Requiem
by MustangAlley
Summary: He didn't sin, Lord. I did. spoilers for Child's Play


**Title:** Requiem

**Author:** MustangAlley

**Rating/Warnings:** FRT – Spoilers for Child's Play and warning for sensitive subject matter and language

**Disclaimer:** All recognizable characters, locations and names are property of their respective owners. Anything you don't recognise is mine.

**Author's Notes:** Latin taken from the Requiem Mass. Translations available on the web, or email/PM me.

Just a note about how well researched this show is. The blessing of the bikes is an annual event, it takes place in the cathedral the scenes were shot in (or the replica is amazing), it is within about 25 blocks of my guesstimated location of Danny's apartment building (which has to be in around 75-77th streets), and it's in Manhattan, which I am pretty sure Danny has mentioned as where he lives. These people rock. For more about the blessing of the bikes, check out my LJ.

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_**Requiem æternam dona eis, Domine, et lux perpetua luceat eis. Te decet hymnus Deus, in Sion, et tibi reddetur votum in Ierusalem. Exaudi orationem meam; ad te omnis caro veniet. Requiem æternam dona eis, Domine, et lux perpetua luceat eis.**_

Please God, please, even if you never listen to me again, please God. Take care o' him, like I couldn't. Like I can't now. Please God. Wherever he is, it can't be worse than here. Fuck, God, I thought you loved the children of the world. All You gave Ruben was a single mom who worked two jobs to keep a roof over their heads, a dad who found out about him and walked off to Alberquerque and a fuck-up of a detective who couldn't even save his own butt from the fire or the IAB for a protector.

I tried, God, I did. I did the best I could for Ruben. I took him to church when I could _[when New York wasn't bein' uncooperative with all this murderin' each other shit_, and I tried to teach him about bein' a good person. I brought him to Sunday dinners with Ma back home, tried to give him some family for once. Not like his dad ever did anything for them, includin' letting Ruben have a real family instead of what You landed him with.

Please God, I know I ain't the best at this, but just...

Just do right by Ruben. He deserves it.

* * *

_**  
Kyrie eleison; Christe eleison; Kyrie eleison**_

I know Ruben wasn't perfect, Lord. I helped him take the purple Crayola off his walls more times 'n I can count when he was little. I know he hated goin' to bed before 9, and he'd fight his ma every time. He rode his bike on the sidewalks even though I told him if ke kept doin' it I'd haveta give him a ticket _[Lord, I didn't mean it I couldn't hurt that kid not more than I have already oh please God I didn't mean it I swear_. He played ball with me in the halls even though the super told us to knock it off.

God, forgive us our tresspasses. We fucked up and we know it. Ruben didn't get his chance to earn it but please God, forgive him. He deserves your mercy. He's a good kid, Crayola or no Crayola.

Bullet wound or no bullet wound.

* * *

_**  
Requiem æternam dona eis, Domine; In memoria æterna erit justus, ab auditione mala non timebit.**_

When Ruben was turnin' 10, I saved up some extra cash here an' there. Figured since it wasn't lookin' like I'd be havin' any kids of my own, I'd give Ruben a birthday party. Not every day you hit double digits, after all, and I knew Rikki wouldn't be able to do it for him. I didn't have a bloody clue what to do with a bunch of nine an' ten year olds, but I figured it was summer, we'd make it up as we went along.

So one night, when Ruben came over for me to help him with his homework 'cause his mom was at work, I told him that if he wanted, I'd take him and five of his friend out for his birthday, do whatever he felt like, within reason o' course.

Kid started glowin' like a Christmas tree, I swear, Lord.

I talked to Rikki next morning, told her what I wanted to do. Ruben was as close to a son as I'm ever probably gonna get, and so I figured for once he deserved to be a little spoiled. Ain't never seen happy tears like Rikki Sandoval cried that day. I'm not thinkin' I'll ever be seein' them again, leastways not from her. Ruben was bouncin' up and down like someone revvin' too high _[see Lord, he coulda been my son in all but blood, but he's gone now and I ain't never gonna be able to tell him that so tell him for me, please God_.

I went and talked to all his friends' parents, explaned that I lived next to Ruben and I looked out for him, and I'm a pretty stand-up guy, bein' a detective an' all, and I'd take care of their kids like they was my own. Then I realized that I said five other friends, and I only talked to four sets of parents. I asked Ruben what was up, did he not wanna bring one more friend?

Lord, I almost cried.

He just looked up at me, big eyes an' all, and told me he had all of his friends comin'; Jamie, and Aaron and Jake and Stephen and...

An' me, Lord. Me, a beat up ex-almost-gangbanger turned detective with a jacket thicker with complaints and warnings and reprimands than one o' Hawkes' fancy textbooks. I was that kid's best friend. Christ, what have I done?

I killed one o' my best friends, Lord. Kid was nothin' but a big warm heart in a ten year old's body, and I killed him. I deserve his punishment, Lord. Let Ruben have all the good I got built up against my life, and let me take his strikes.

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_**  
Absolve, Domine, animas omnium fidelium defunctorum ab omno vinculo delictorum et gratia tua illis succurente mereantur evadere iudicium ultionis, et lucis æterne beatitudine perfrui.**_

In grade three, they have this 'Bring Your Parents To School' Day. Rikki came to me in tears one night, sobbin' because there was no way she could do it, and she didn't want Ruben to be the only kid there without a parent. She was practically heartbroke tellin' me about how Ruben had been so excited that she was gonna go an' see what he did all day and now her jerkoff of a boss told her she had to work 'cause his girlfriend was gettin' her second set of boob implants done and he just had to be there for her risky surgery.

So I told her I'd go. I'd work it with Mac and whoever had the day off, an' I'd make sure I could be there for Ruben. Least I could do. 'Sides, I liked the kid, and maybe if they saw him with a pretty solid-lookin' cop, the kids who'd been givin' him lip at recess would back off. And truth be told, havin' a bunch of kids bein' fascinated by liddle science tricks wasn't a bad thing either. Promotin' the department, teachin' kids about safety, that's how I'd pitch it to Mac.

Mac just laughed at me and told me to have fun at school, and he expected to hear all about what I learned in school.

Ruben was pounding on my door at 7 am that day, tellin' me I had to be ready soon, because his mom made him be up for school at 7 too. I just watched him over my coffee, and reminded myself not to say I'd been at a murder-suicide til 4 hours before. Learned pretty quick after I met Ruben that kids like the idea but not the details of bein' a cop.

When we got to the class, we were practically last in the day, since Ruben had the academic bad luck to get landed near the end of the alphabet no matter how you sorted kids by name. So I sat through Suzie's mum tellin' us about how great it is to be a stay-at-home mom, and Anthony's dad's bodega _[I remember that bodega, and I remember Anthony's dad didn't look so good in cuffs but he shot the robber and oh God Ruben why did we have to go that way home?_. Finally, by the time we'd got to Ruben an' I, I'd grabbed Ruben's notebook for handwritin' lessons and figured out more or less how my case went and had half the reporton the back cover along with thirteen games of X's and O's and two of hangman.

So we went up there, Ruben leadin' me by the hand like I was gonna get lost in the mess of kids and parents. I had my kit with me and Ruben had a Rubbermaid tub I rescued from my kitchen, full of some things I could show the class. I sat in the chair, short as it was I felt like I had my knees up by my eyeballs but I smiled and lived with it, and Ruben introduced me to the class.

"This is Danny. He's not my dad but he makes sure _everybody_ in the city don't get hurt, and my mom couldn't come so Danny said he would. Danny is a detective, an' a crime scene guy, an' I think it's the coolest job in the world." Kid was blushing like a cherry tomato by the end of it, an' I didn't wanna embarass him more so I just asked him to grab my kit for me.

I showed them how you collect trace, and managed to find out that six kids had dogs and nine had cats, and one had what I guessed was a gerbil. I showed them how to take fingerprints with baby powder and a paintbrush, and apologised to their parents in advance. I explained that my job was to go to places where people had been hurt, and find out who did it so they would be punished for it, because that's what the law says is supposed to happen. Oh, and that I helped prove that innocent people really were innocent, and didn't deserve to be punished, jus' so that if any of them ever wound up talkin' to a cop they wouldn't be traumatized for life or somethin'.

And I watched Ruben just puff up with pride when his friends told him that I was the coolest almost-parent there. Ain't nothin' wrong with a little pride there, Lord, he didn't mean any harm by it. It wasn't too much, or for nothin', and I'm pretty sure a kid havin' a little pride is good for him.

He didn't sin, Lord. I did.

_**

* * *

Dies iræ, dies illa**_**_Solvet sæclum in favilla,_ **_**Teste David cum Sibylla... **_

Truthfully, God, I had forgotten I was supposed to take Ruben to the blessing of the bikes at St. John the Divine with Father MacRae. And you know I been wakin up every night, wondering what woulda happened if Ruben forgot too. He'd still be alive, I'd get to take him out for breakfast like I did every Saturday morning. I wouldn't be tryin' not to cry because I just walked into our diner and the girls behind the counter, and Gianni, who's been cookin there since Flack an' I hated each other's guts on baseball principle alone, were cryin' already.

I know they say You don't do anything You don't think we can take, but God, you're cuttin' it awful close on this one.  
I got a call from Mac not too long ago, sayin' they figured out what happened. That it was the girl I'd tried to _comfort_ that killed my almost-son. Fuck. He was my boy, God, not in blood but that don't matter because it's not like half of New York ain't got parents they aren't related to. That kid was the closest I'm gonna get to a real family, which is pathetic in itself, but then You had to take him away?

Cutting it real close, God. Real close. 

****

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**_  
Domine, Jesu Christe, Rex gloriæ, libera animas omnium fidelium defunctorum de pœnis inferni et de profundo lacu. Libera eas de ore leonis, ne absorbeat eas tartarus, ne cadant in obscurum; sed signifer sanctus Michæl repræsentet eas in lucem sanctam, quam olim Abrahæ promisisti et semini ejus._ **

God, be straight with me. Is there a heaven?

It's ok, I know if You answered, I'd be locked up. I just... I gotta believe that you have Ruben someplace better than this. Not that it's difficult to be better. I know Rikki tried hard, I do. It's tough, raising a kid on your own when you ain't much more than a kid yourself starting out. I know the only clothes Ruben had that weren't secondhand at best were the one's I'd buy him for when he stayed in my apartment. And I know the only time Ruben ever had a choice of ice cream was when the air conditioning in their apartment went on the fritz and he came over to hang out at mine.

Ruben didn't exactly have the best school either. No way was Rikki gonna be able to afford private school, and much as I loved the kid, I couldn't do it for him either, not on a permanent 3rd grade detective's salary. If I'd not fucked my life over the first time, I'd be a 2nd grade and then maybe I coulda swung some of it, but there was just no way right now. I know kids at PS 87 were either gangbangers in training or only passing through on their way between home and jail. But Ruben was doin' real good. He was a smart kid, and even at ten the gangs are always lookin' for the smart ones, the ones that can think for themselves, but Ruben managed to outsmart 'em all and be his own person. Kid wanted to be a cop, just like me. Play ball for NYU, like I used to.

Livin' in Manhattan, it wasn't perfect. Hell, we lived so close to the Yellow Top Club gang territory that even I got a little anxious walkin' the streets after dark, an' I was raised bleeding Tanglewood black. The super, he liked havin' me in the building because then he could tell tenants that there was a cop in the building, a respectable one _['cept if I'm such a respectable cop how'd I get a ten year old boy killed on the way back from church? You're gonna haveta tell me, God, 'cause I ain't got no answers_.

****

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**_  
Hostias et preces tibi, Domine, laudis offerimus; tu suscipe pro animabus illis, quarum hodie memoriam facimus. Fac eas, Domine, de morte transire ad vitam. Quam olim Abrahæ promisisti et semini ejus._ **

One day back a year or so ago, I was just gettin' home when Ruben was heading out to school. It was a long tour; three bodies in the East Village, no one knew why they were there or how they got there. Hell, only thing we did know was that they were stoned out of their minds when they were offed. I was wiped, and the only thing on my mind was crawlin' into bed and not gettin' out 'til someone with enough senority to bust Stella's metaphorical balls and make it stick was callin' me.

Then I saw Ruben, sittin' on my doorstep, usin' his bookbag as an instant pillow. I was reasonably sure I hadn't missed one of our days, so I was gettin' a little concerned. I stumped over, knelt down, tried to make sure the kid was OK, and hadn't been sittin' on my doorstep all night.

He hadn't, but he said he knew I hadn't been home all night, and that usually means I get the bad dreams again.

Ruben was a master at picking up on things you didn't want him to know. He found all his Christmas presents in record time, an' he knew exactly where his mom kept the Lucky Charms on the rare occasion she had enough extra money at the end of the week to get him a treat. He also knew that Anna, a girl in his class, was gettin' hurt by her stepmom when her dad wasn't lookin', and that Mrs. McMurtry's little yappy dog had made a day trip to work with me one day. And he knew that I lived the worst cases in my dreams. One night I woke up with him sittin' in a chair beside my bed, holdin' onto my hand like I was the kid and he was the dad that could make all the boogymen under the bed magically vanish. I forgot to ask him how exactly he managed to get in my apartment in the middle of the night after I'd locked up.

But that one morning, there was Ruben. And from underneath his bookbag, he pulled a ratty ol' cow, battered, and showing evidence of long use as a pillow. He gave me that cow, and hugged me and told me that Marvin made sure his nightmares stayed away. I almost lost it right there. A little kid, makin' sure I was gonna get some sleep. Amazin' and humblin', all in one.

Lord, if there's a heaven, make sure Ruben gets there. Please, God, he deserves so much more than this.

****

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**_  
Sanctus, Sanctus, Sanctus, Dominus Deus Sabaoth; pleni sunt coeli et terra gloria tua._ ****_Hosanna in excelsis._ ****_Benedictus qui venit in nomine Domini._ ****_Hosanna in excelsis._ **

When I saw Ruben lying on the morgue gurney, I thought I was dead. And then I wished I was dead. And then I prayed to You that he wasn't dead.

I know suicide is a sin, that it is the ultimate expression that we believe You can't save us from our troubles. But God, I woulda given up any hope I ever had of heaven, woulda pulled the trigger myself if that's what it took to bring him back. Here was a ten year old kid, who'd been so happy that he'd just had his bike blessed, and maybe now his mom will let him ride by himself. Maybe she woulda, even just in the little courtyard next door. Guess I'll never know, now that Ruben's lying on a table.

I watched Sid on the surveillance tapes, rooting around in his chest, lookin' for that bullet like Ruben looked for the prize in his crackerjack box I bought for him when we went to a Yankees game every year. Man, that was the highlight of the baseball season for me. I couldn't care less who won the World Series as long as Ruben and I made it to the Yankees game at Yankee Stadium on the 4th of July. I'd do anything to make it to that game; my excuses were legends. I was sick, my great-gramma was in hospital, hell I'm pretty sure one year I told Mac my dishwasher had overflowed. I don't remember if the excuse was taken, but I do remember the Yankees won 6-4 in the top of the ninth, and Ruben and I were on the Jumbotron during the seventh inning stretch, doin' a really bad version of the Funky Chicken dance.

Sid loomed over the body _[no, Ruben's body, dammit you can't start making him just another victim now – you made him die, you should've taken care of him first, what were you THINKING?_, pulling the overhead light down like the heat from it could give him a sunburn like we both had after every Yankees game. Was that the proof Mac needed, the stuff Sid was finding, was that what was gonna get some justice for my boy? God, I don't wanna have to get justice myself, because Ruben wouldn't want that, but please God, I need something. Anything. Whatever little scrap of rightness that you can give me that I can give to his mother, because right now I can barely handle the idea of going back to my apartment and not being able to hear him through the walls.

But he's dead, lying on one of Sid's tables. Cold steel and overhead lighting aren't much of a match for third row up from the first base line and sunshine overhead, but I guess it's about all I'm gonna get now.

Dammit, God, he was only ten years old.

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_**  
Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, dona eis requiem,**__**Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, dona eis requiem,**_**_Agnus Dei, qui tollis peccata mundi, dona eis requiem sempiternam._ **

This is the first time I've been to Confession since I was in grade school. I hated going then, hated the idea of telling someone who didn't know me, didn't know my life, all about the things I had done wrong. It just rubbed me the wrong way, y'know? Who were they to say I had been forgiven for what I'd done? Forgiveness is all fine and dandy, but it doesn't fix Ma's picture window that Louie slammed a homer through, or Pop's rug that I spilled grape Crush on when I was six.

Forgiveness won't bring Ruben back.

Ruben died because of me. Because of my job. Because I came out on top at the Academy after a stupid bar fight in a stupid college town wrecking my fucking baseball career. Ruben died because of me, and there's nothing any priest can say to absolve the stain of that guilt from my soul. Lord, I know I ain't the smartest man, but even I know how to assign blame where it's due, and all the blame for Ruben's death? It's mine. The sister might have pulled the trigger, but if I was more of a parent and less of a cop like I shoulda been with him, then he'd still be alive and... And none of this shit woulda happened.

Ruben told me one day that he wanted to be a cop. Wanted ta be a good one, so we could work together an' catch all the bad guys. Make it safe, so that everyone didn't have to go around their house every night, triple checkin' all the locks to make sure that the doors an' the windows will stay closed all night because they're afraid of what might happen if they open. An' the truth of it was, the kid had the makings of a good cop. He reminded me in some crazy, unimaginable way of Flack as a kid. Too honest for his own good, but smart as a whip and not ever missin' a trick. Ruben coulda been a good cop, or a good anything. He had his whole life ahead of him and because I fucked up, that whole life was gone, lost because I couldn't be the kind of person Ruben shoulda had.

Forgive me Lord, for I have sinned. An' if You decide You can't forgive what I've done...

Well, I understand.

I wouldn't forgive me either.

****

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**_  
Lux æterna luceat eis, Domine, cum sanctis tuis in æternum, quia pius es. Requiem æternam dona eis, Domine; et lux perpetua luceat eis._ **

God, I hope Ruben is with You right now. I sure as hell hope you ain't letting him watch this. I got faith in him, in his strength, but I don't want him seein' me and his ma right now, crying in the hallway outside his apartment. He don't need to see that.

Ruben's a good kid. He never complained when I had ta cancel our days together because the crooks in this town didn't get the memo. He worked hard, was a good friend, took care of his ma the best he could. Lord, I know he ain't perfect, but the market was long since cornered on that, and Ruben was as close as it's gonna get in the middle of New York City.

There has to be better places for him with You. Parks that don't have hypos in them. Playgrounds without pushers. Places he can go and see the stars without havin' ta go to a planetarium or look em up on computers. Keep him safe, and keep him close by, Lord. He deserves Your special attention.

An' tell him... Tell him I'm workin' on bein' a good man, so that maybe someday we can play ball together again. So we can make rice krispies together, or hit the movies, or just go for a wander to see where we end up. So I can see the man he's gonna grow up to be with You.

I'm tryin' Ruben. I really am.


End file.
